1. “I’m left-handed. And I believe that all left handed people are cool. But not Adolf Hitler. No he wasn’t left handed. I just don’t think he was cool.”

2. “My favourite movie is The Matrix (part 1). The Matrix 2 and 3 should’ve been musicals.”

3. “Diet and exercise are very important to me. As a matter of fact, fat people motivate me to stay healthy. Sometimes they whisper in my ear and say, ‘Hey Wali, stay healthy’.”

4. “I really don’t understand clowns. To me, clowns are very depressing. White skin = anemic, red hair and balding = stress, red nose = alcoholic.”

5. “Everybody has some kind of phobia. Mine is touching ice. I really do have a problem touching ice. I think it has something to do with that time my parents hired that snowman to babysit me.”

6. “I love homemade chocolate chip cookies. I mean the actual cookie. Not a home made out of chocolate chip cookies.”

7. “I’m a big fan of vampires even though they all suck.”

8. “I’ve known my wife for 14 years. And I still think she’s ‘banging’ (sexy and very attractive). But don’t tell her I said that. She may use the information against me.”

9. “The only person I would love to meet is Gandhi. And I think that if Gandhi were alive today he would agree that UGGs are overrated”

10. “Being a musician, I love all things jazz. Sometimes I just get the urge to scat like the great jazz singers used to do. Like right now... scoobee buh doowee, boh doh scoobee doo pop ah deeah weee weeeeee!”

Catch Wali Collins at Champs Bar on Thu 4, and at TakeOut Comedy Club on Fri 5 and Sat 6. Tickets: www.takeoutcomedy.com; 6220 4436.