Alasdair Nicol contemplates the hot-and-heavy relationship between wine and sex

I have always hated oysters. There’s something just too salty and slimy about them, and as the phlegm consistency slides down the throat, there is nothing that comes to mind less than thoughts of sex. An aphrodisiac? Not even close.

Wine, on the other hand, is a true sexual stimulant. You probably know more bartenders who have got you laid than oyster fishermen (unless you’re the fisherman’s wife). A recent study conducted in Italy and published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine claims that the sex drives of women who drink red wine are higher than those who drink other alcoholic beverages. Certainly some of the men I know would argue that tequila does the job just as well as red wine but this is not a story about tequila and anything that’s shot down the throat from a phallic shaped glass should be approached with caution.

That stirring of the loins caused by drinking can also be put down to the ‘beer goggles’ effect, a theory that’s been successfully proven by researchers in England this year. Not only does the opposite sex look more attractive after a few tipples, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves strangely attracted to the same sex. I can vouch for the latter. Then again, I have woken up with some strange life-forms in my time. But back to the main point, if ever you wake up with a completely different person to the one you went to bed with, you can always use the beer goggles effect as an excuse.

Sex and wine have also made numerous appearances in the world of pop culture. On an album not so subtly named Darleen’s Backside by The Lawsuits, there is a song called Sex and Wine, whose chorus sings: “Sex and wine, all of the time!” I hear that. Shame about the song, though. It’s crap.

Of course, the relationship between sex and wine goes back even further. Both the French and the Spanish have sexual connotations linked to the traditional drinking cheer (santé). In these Euro havens, the penalty for not doing the cheer properly – that is, by maintaining eye contact, touching glasses with everyone and not crossing over anyone else’s arm as you do it – is seven years of bad sex. Talk about a bad drinking experience...

And did you know that wine porn has been banned in the States? Actually, did you even know that wine porn existed? Two bottles of wine have been banned in recent memory. Firstly, the Château Lafite 1993 which has a picture of a nude woman drawn by Balthus was banned upon its release. Secondly, the Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board banned the California wine Cycles Gladiator Pinot Noir for having a nude cyclist depicted on its bottle label.

Still, most possibly the worst sexual association that’s ever been made with wine is by author Jenny Barbariba whose works include The Art of Pairing Wine and Semen (seriously, Google it if you don’t believe me). I am going no further than that as the thought repulses me, but look it up if you want to see how wine can really spice up your sex life.