Under The Table: Useless men
I realised recently that I’m the only person in my family with a full-time job. Both my parents are enjoying the glees of retirement and my two youngest siblings are in school. But my middle brother, of prime working age (28), hasn’t held a job in six years.
My parents asked me to have a motivational chat with him. “You know they are going to kick you out of the house soon,” I said over a stupidly expensive dim sum lunch. “How are you planning on stretching your life of leisure?” “I was thinking of applying for business school, that should give me another year, year and a half. An MBA takes another two years,” he said casually. “Are you ever planning to work again?” I asked already knowing his answer. “Nope, not if I can avoid it.”
And there you have it. I pick on my brother, well, because big sisters do that kind of thing, and because he is a sub-species of a generation of unmotivated, unemployed men who happily coast through life and make no apologies for it.
In my brother’s case, and my ex’s (Homeless Guy), and many others spanning from Hong Kong to Japan and the European Union, their reasons are valid. They are educated, and they feel entitled to their dream job that is ethical, powerful and fulfilling while earning a $100k starting salary with ample holidays. ‘Why settle for a lifetime of grunts and ulcers?’ is the common motto. Life is for travelling, absorbing books, resting the fork in-between bites, and enriching the mind with television, they preach. Office life is so unnatural.
I love their no-worry attitude, but here’s what I discovered months after dating Homeless Guy. He was a bum. A wasted being. An intelligent man with no ambition, like a bird without wings. And worse, he sponged off me.
At a bitchfest feast with my girlfriends, one brought up the topic of divorce – a heavy word to digest over lunch. She hasn’t slept with her husband for a long time (no surprise there) because she resents him. She complained that she paid for his share of the rent, his hobbies, and his hair cuts. “If he actually worked, then maybe we could afford to buy a place rather than living in a rented box,” she ranted, waving her knife and fork. “I even have to pay for his graduate school. It’s like he left his parents and married me so he can be my dependant. I’m with a loser!”
Funny thing is, I’m friends with her husband, mainly because he’s personable and philosophises about dumb things. I found him in a chatroom while writing this. He is there most days.
Me: “What do you do all day long?”
Him: “The day goes by surprisingly fast.” He explains how he works out for two hours (which includes sauna time and catching up on his reading at the juice bar); there are episodes of Extras to watch; he is currently reading The 4-Hour Workweek; on the days he’s not at school, he smokes pot and cleans his motorcycle. He shaves just before he picks up his wife for dinner in Central. He feels bad she always pays, but has come to expect it.
Him: “Don’t judge. I see tai tais doing the same thing.”
Me: “What do you plan to do with your English degree?”
Him: “Maybe [wife] will buy me a beach house and I can write that novella.”
Arg. Like my brother, he speaks three languages, he’s the eldest boy in his family and was raised to succeed his father. The pressure of knowing he’ll have to take care of the family when he is old enough was all too much. So he delays growing up, maybe forever. He turns down jobs because he thinks the positions are beneath him. In his prime, age 25-35, he has lived down expectations by dropping out of the work environment. The Japanese have a word for extreme cases of social withdrawal, hikikomori. The most typical cases of hikikomori are the eldest sons of middle and upper middle class families.
Women have been socially engineered to think of men who don't work or earn a living as worthless. I’m factoring in decades of girls being told to get an education and take care of themselves as men are not always reliable. But what messages have the boys been receiving all this time?
At a bon voyage dinner with my middle brother, who was off to Beijing for a year of language school, he said he realised work doesn’t have to be eight hours behind a desk. He rhapsodised about the brighter side of employment, such as having an outlet to meet friends, carrying business cards, impressing girls, and getting the parents off his back. He was too proud to ask for help, but he said he had been out of work for so long that it was impossible to get back in. “They kicked you out of the house ?” I said. “Yup,” he chirped.
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For those of us men - who have ambition, drive, and a definite plan to change the world - it blows us away that women would even CONTEMPLATE dating a "floater" - and consider there is a future. But I guess that's because women have this deep need to change a man. One piece of advice to all women: A man will not change unless all the world's elements are against him. But on the flip side, a joke I do in my stand up comedy. I didn't vote for Barack Obama because he was African-American. I voted for him because Obama is what a man can become when a woman far better than you - believes in you. And George W. Bush represented love is blind.
I don't think "hikikomori" is the right term to apply to those men you mentioned (including your brother) because I seriously doubt they are anti-social but something of a deeper problem in our current society (especially in Hong Kong), it is a social phenomenon for those raised in middle and upper class families who are educated overseas or at least with a fair amount of international exposure in their early adult life. In my opinion, this group of men (and girls as well) are in their prime age (28 - 35) and are often unsatisfied with their current job / salary for the exact reasons you mentioned above: "They are educated, and they feel entitled to their dream job that is ethical, powerful and fulfilling while earning a $100k starting salary with ample holidays." Many believe in their ability to perform but often lacked the opportunities. Well, opportunities are not going to appear out of the blue, one has to actively find the opportunities in my opinion. However, from a Asian / Chinese perspective (of which I can relate to a certain degree), this group of Asian boys and girls have experienced what previous generations did not in terms of major historical events during their "growth" year (age 18 - 25), namely (1) Asia Financial Crisis of 1997, (2) Boom time prior to the dot.com bubble bust of 2000 (3) 911 of 2001 (4) SAR in 2003 and (5) Credit Crisis between 2007 - 2009. Did I miss anything? Of course the above events cannot be compared with the devastating events such as WWI & WWII from the previous generations but the social and financial conditions have changes so much over the past few decades that the named events above are definitely influential to one's social and professional career development. Some might have been laid off and some lucky ones might have changed career, perhaps a few times as well. Of course it is part of life that one has to deal with in terms of changes, one should be able to adapt to change and it is all part of life experiences, valuable one indeed. However, for the above mentioned group, through tough times, many found shelters from home, from parents who can afford to provide them. From being a "temporary shelter" many might get into their comfort zone and just go with the flow. It is a serious issue indeed and really need to consider how to change that for the better. It is a tough world out there especially in Hong Kong where competition is fierce, almost all overseas educated individuals with Hong Kong origins would come back to fight for jobs, all expecting fair treatment with their education and international work experiences. There are only so many jobs out there; hence one should really look at the big picture if they really want to settle in Hong Kong for good. Pursuing further education or expanding your knowledge is never a bad thing but if the ultimate objective is to equip oneself with an extra few letters at the back of your name in hope to get your "dream job" faster, Hong Kong might not be a perfect place to do so because Hong Kong does not work this way unfortunately. If I recall correctly, Mr Chip Tao once talked about this similar / related social phenomenon on his radio show and carried a tone of sympathy towards this group of overseas educated individual between the age of 28 - 35 making living in Hong Kong. If we are to talking about men in particular, this group of men is not unless men (such harsh word because they are capable, educated and was once ambitious I am sure), they are men in need of redirection and readjustment in terms of social perspectives especially in HK, they need to get out of the comfort zone and start living. The past was tough (in relative terms of course) but it is what you make of it in the future that counts. This is a social phenomenon that really needs serious attention.
You must be talking about my husband. I see men like this all OVER my complex in Cyberport. And they just hang by the pool and screw yummy mommies.
The guys can afford to be bums because they have their parents or wives to sponged off of. Cut them loose and they will be working in no time. Don't blame them for being bums, blame the enablers.
It's true. More and more men being supported by their wives who are career high flyers while the men slack off and become career students. I have many girlfriends who support their boyfriends or husbands while to go to school or pretend to be writers, etc. In hopes that 1 day he' ll grow up and take care of them. 2 have already ended in divorce or separate. It is the fault of women who choose men they think will 1 day change because she helped support them. Ladies drop your loser man and when you do he will have no choice but to work hard.
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