All the great geniuses of the world wore a moustache. The names speak for themselves: Ned Flanders, Colonel Sanders, Ming the Merciless, Swedish Chef off The Muppets, Magnum PI. Legends one and all. Of course, a few prize idiots in the annals of history also sported the mighty ‘tache (Gandhi, Einstein, Shakespeare, Jesus etc) but we won’t get into that now. The point is, a good moustache makes all the difference, especially in the month of November, when gents across Hong Kong will have the perfect excuse (and their fervently secret wishes suddenly realised) to explore and experiment with facial hair in aid of Movember, a charity aiming to raise money for prostate cancer awareness by urging geezers young and old to grow whiskers. In other words, it’s a few dollars to look like a twat for a month. Of course, the psychological effects of growing a moustache can often be devastating (Burt Reynolds, where art thou now?) but remember this is for a worthy cause. So if you’re willing to destroy your popularity and suffer the mocking cruelty of your beardless friends, follow our quick manifesto for getting the very best out of your mo.

1. Always wear a fetching hat
No other accessory says so defiantly: I am a man of devil-may-care-derring-do and I will not conform to your baseball-capping hip-hop ways. Hats also help hide the ridiculous face-wedge sitting on your lip.

2. Smoke cigars
Safety Nazis will try to convince you otherwise, but smoking a big fat stoogie while sporting a hairy handlebar ‘tache will part the rush-hour evening crowds and allow you to amble your badass self wherever the hell you like.

3. Be courteous to ladies
A gentleman sporting an untrimmed ‘tache should always open taxi doors and hold out table seats for lady friends. This is because it will avert attention away from the fact that he looks like a fucking 1980s trade unionist on strike.

4. Speak proper!
A mustachioed gentleman should always enunciate clearly when speaking with said lady friend inside a nightclub. ‘Yo girl waz hangin?’ will not work at all. How about: ‘Good evening, how do you do?’ Note: don’t curl the ends of your moustache as you say this, otherwise she’ll call the cops.

5. Always be civil
What makes you feel really murderous? Bus drivers who stare blankly into your eyes as you run for the door and then pull off just as you get there? People who do ‘quotation marks’ with their fingers? Idiots who use three credit cards at the ATM? Want revenge? Simply grow a Bill the Butcher moustache and no one will ever mess with you again.

6. Don’t be a wimp
Orlando Bloom looks a world-class tool with his puberty-stricken ‘tache and goatee, and you will too. There’s nothing growing and there’s nothing to hide. Plus it screams ‘mummy issues’ at 10 paces. So be a man. Be Tom Selleck.

7. Avoid over-grooming
You’re trying too hard, mate. Over-slicking one’s moustache will immediately make you look like you’re trying to escape an extradition order from Thailand on sex gang charges.

8. Act the guru
Hirsute gentlemen can easily achieve the full Indian fakir look within a month. Personally, we’d rather chance our luck at checking the fuse box in an Austrian’s cellar than throw on a kaftan and chant ‘ommm’ to our peers. But hey, it worked for the Maharishi… JJ Healy