In a ballsy move, our writer puts himself at the mercy of a woman and her wax. By Hamish McKenzie

As Bingo gently pries apart my ass cheeks and pulls off another strip of hair-laden wax, I think, “My God, this is what this woman does every single day – she peers into assholes”. Strangely, this is the over-riding epiphany of my past 60 minutes in this room with the therapist (is that even the proper title for someone who torments follicles for a living?) – and this is after she’s shaved my pubes, cradled my balls, and smeared hot wax on my perineum.

Yes, I’m getting a waxing. And yes, it is my first time. And no, this wasn’t an entirely rational decision. But at least my girlfriend can no longer complain that I don’t know what it’s like.

“Euwph!” I squeal, in as manly a way as possible, as Bingo tears a surprise strip from what used to be my hirsute balloon knot. My legs kick up involuntarily, like a flapping snapper on its death throes. Bingo swerves and perseveres, determined to clear the forest. I wish I could say she can’t see the wood for the trees.

Back, sack, and crack. Until last week, I would have taken a while to figure out what that means. Now I can not only detail what that process entails, but I can also tell you how it feels (bloody uncomfortable), and describe what the end result looks like. Of course, none of you want to know a thing about that last point, so I implore you not to think of a pair of shaved kiwifruits, and under no circumstances whatsoever should you conjure the image of a newly hatched sparrow.

Apparently, however, I’m far from alone in giving my gonads the Agent Orange treatment. In fact, says Bingo, it’s becoming increasingly popular in Hong Kong. I’m dubious of this, not only because she has an economic incentive to make such a claim, but also because the evidence she provides isn’t all that convincing. When I ask why there’s a positive trend, she offers only, “Um, word of mouth?”

Come on. We all know there are only two reasons for men wanting to denude their genitals. One: during certain unspeakable oral acts, they don’t want their loved ones to get a mouthful of floss. And two: they’re gunning for that elusive optical inch. Generally speaking, these are not motives that spur public discussion.

There aren’t many places in Hong Kong where men can go to get this special treatment. That might have something to do with demand, but Bingo also suggests that there just aren’t that many people who would know what do with the wax down there. Here at Nude, about ten per cent of the customers are male, with, according to Bingo, a 60:40 split, straight guys to gay guys. It’s popular for professionals where hairless gonads are an advantage – ballet dancers, swimmers, porn stars – but a few dudes also do it for fun.

Let me tell you now: manscaping is not a leisure activity. Having a stranger hold your penis to the side while she rips off a clump of hair from your very-inner thigh might sound like a laugh riot, but it’s about as enjoyable as walking naked through a field of thistles in winter. It immediately leaves you red and sensitive, and I’m already having withdrawal systems – can someone tell me just what I’m supposed to scratch down there now? Life with baldy balls is looking hairy.

Nude, 9/F, VC House, 4-6 On Lan St, Central, 2868 9100, www.nudewaxing.com.hk

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